S9E9 - Breaking Taboos: A Journey of Female Sexuality, Self-Discovery, and Empowerment!! #ShitHappens

How often have societal norms made you question your own desires? Join us as we push boundaries and shatter taboos on female sexuality and self-discovery. From the transformative gift of a vibrator at sixteen, courtesy of her forward-thinking mother, to navigating the complex social media landscape, we explore the liberating journey of self-pleasure and its empowering role in women's lives. Strap in for a candid conversation packed with humor, honesty, and personal anecdotes that challenge societal double standards and highlight the joy of mutual pleasure."

"Our journey also covers the unique challenges faced by Black creators in the sex toy industry and the drive to advocate for fair compensation. With insights gained from candid chats about relationships with our fathers, we emphasize the importance of creating safe spaces for vulnerable discussions, breaking generational taboos, and paving the way for open dialogues on sexual identity and demisexuality. The episode is a testament to the resilience required to stand firm amid online backlash while remaining true to one's mission."

"Together, we celebrate community and vulnerability, spotlighting the power of connection through shared experiences. Reflecting on the support and relationships formed within our vibrant, transparent space, we express gratitude and anticipation for future discussions on sexuality. Tune in to embrace your own journey of empowerment, and discover how communal support can be a game-changer in navigating personal challenges and triumphs. This episode is a heartfelt invitation to celebrate sexuality without judgment, fostering a culture of openness and self-love.

Get In Touch with Atiyah - https://www.loveatiya.com/

Chapters

• 0:00 Exploring Pleasure and Self-Discovery
• 7:05 Embracing Sexuality and Pleasure Exploration
• 15:17 Navigating Social Stigma and Self-Exploration
• 23:26 Challenging Stigmas on Pleasure
• 33:46 Sexual Healing and Pleasure Journey
• 40:18 Navigating Black Influencer Challenges
• 45:13 Safe Sexual Exploration Space
• 56:55 Celebrating Community and Vulnerability

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

explore my pleasure and know what it felt like to bring myself to an orgasm and little did you know I was already doing that but turn myself to orgasm and to just know what pleasure felt like without somebody else telling me what it should feel like. So she wanted. She's like boys are allowed to explore themselves all the time. It's clap, clap, clap. But then when young women explore themselves, it's such shame.

Speaker 3: 0:20

So she just wanted to remove that shame from me I love that for you because that that is very true, like um, and that's why years ago, even if you are magic, you've got to agree it's worth it to talk shit out, no matter how messy shit happens.

Speaker 2: 0:57

Shit happens. Just an fyi, this episode was recorded february of 2024 and it is now February of 2025. But, figured, it's still worth sharing, especially now being February, the month of love. Be it self-love, self-pleasure, shared, whatever it is, I feel like this episode is worth a listen for the perfect month of February. Enjoy.

Speaker 3: 1:51

So everybody, welcome to. Shit Happens. This is my fourth one for the day and my last one. Oh my God, this is going to be I'm glad it's like at night at seven, because this is going to be some freaky shit going on tonight. But this guest of mine is. I hold her so dear. Oh my God, I love this girl so much. I was so mad I didn't get to see her this year at Port First because I met her last year at Port First. But let me go ahead and bring her on the stage. Miss Love, it happens. But let me go ahead and bring her on the stage. Miss love, it happens. What are you doing, baby?

Speaker 1: 2:35

oh, look at you. Now that I get to see your beautiful face, I'm doing so, so so much better.

Speaker 3: 2:40

Look at that glow I don't know if it's the glow or the lighting, but I'll take it. How are you good? I'm very good, I am. Oh, no, we're gonna do that, I am good. I'm a little bit tired because yesterday I did not go to bed until 4 am, and then I and then I. Can you hear?

Speaker 1: 3:07

me.

Speaker 3: 3:09

Yes, but why 4 am? Oh, I didn't know you were getting a show. And then I had to be up by 7 to be in my clubhouse room. Wish I was late, so. And then, once I got up to be in the clubhouse room, I haven't slept since because I kept on having.

Speaker 1: 3:25

I had a shit happen at 11, then 12, then 3, then oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you didn't get any sleep, but I'm going to fill you up with lots of energy, I promise oh, I believe it, and that's why because it was you.

Speaker 3: 3:41

I'm like I need that energy right now, but then again I want to go to bed after that. Well, I have my fourth Atlanta meetup, which is happening right now. But as soon as I jump off this, I have to join them in the meeting and then I can go to sleep. But I also have to wake up early so my newsletter can go out, because I haven't sent my newsletter two Fridays in a row and I cannot do that to my people. You know I, I know I'm giving myself grace that it's okay sometimes to miss, but also, like get, get back on that horse, right?

Speaker 3: 4:13

I feel it, I definitely understand so what you been up to, how you been, how is you, costa Rica? Where are you?

Speaker 1: 4:20

I'm in Mexico. I'm in Mexico. Yes, everything is good. I'm grateful. I've been trying to stay warm and just I think I'm gonna go to the beach tomorrow. You see, I wore my purple for talk shit with Pete, okay, okay, yes, but everything's been good. Like like you, I've been working on my email blast and newsletters and sex positive content, so I'm just trying to stay on it. I feel you about the giving yourself grace because that's so and I love them.

Speaker 3: 4:49

Every time I see that the love experience coming on my and them sexy pictures and the toys and I'm like, okay, you remind me to put my sex on my sexy on whenever I get those newsletters.

Speaker 1: 5:06

So thank you yes, of course that's the goal.

Speaker 3: 5:08

I'm happy it inspired you so we're gonna get straight jump right into it because you know, um, queen of positive pleasure and um, I love how openly you are. I know it can be very hard to be to be that open in these social media streets, because not everybody takes it that way and there's a lot that comes with it, you know. So what made you decide to be a positive pleasure? Like, how did you get into that? I'm going to go empower women to own their pleasure, and you know, I got you, okay.

Speaker 1: 5:57

So the origin of my pleasure positivity was definitely when I was 16, my mom bought me my very first vibrator. Now I think that actually we've been a pleasure positive like home prior to that because my mom she literally bought me a book from like the discovery store of people like these cartoons having sex, but it wasn't like pornographic, it was educational, because she never wanted me to believe that babies came from the stork right. So she had to give me like the visual of like the two adults and it explained everything in the book for kids to be able to understand.

Speaker 3: 6:29

So I had the book, we'd have open discussions, I was able to ask her about anything, and then I walked into my room one day when I was 16 and there was a big Hitachi magic wand on my bed so she just left it on the bed for you, like no, like when I had this, like when I, when you first told me you got it at 16, in my head I felt like maybe she came and y'all sat down and she gave it to you and she was like you know what you do with that, so it was just waiting for you on the bed.

Speaker 1: 7:03

We have two different recollections of this right. So my mom says that she warned me about like not warned me, but told me like she was going to give me this. She gave you a heads up. She gave me a heads up and I don't doubt that, but I probably just dissociated in the moment because I'm like she ain't got no sex toy, you know what I'm saying. Like whatever, like I at the time. So I was like, oh, hey, mom, but deep down inside I probably really wanted it. And then, yeah, she just surprised me with it on my bed. So I think that she did give me a warning. I just don't remember it, but I had her on my podcast and she definitely shared that. She told me about it beforehand.

Speaker 3: 7:33

So so, um, before you continue the story, well, I'm curious. When you found it on the bed, what, what, what was the next thing you did? Did, just, did you take it on a ride right there and there, because it was like it was positioned ready for you to just dive in, like you know, like when a man ties a bow on his penis and you walk into the room like, okay, I'm just diving in.

Speaker 1: 8:01

That's the energy that it gave you. You would think that I would use it immediately, right, I did not, paula. I think I waited until, like I want to say, a year, but that's really dragging it, but I I cannot remember when I used it for the first time. I know that I waited a while, though, because my mom she works from home we're right next to each other, like she was in the other room right next to me and the hatachi is loud. So room right next to me and the Hitachi is loud, so what was I going to use it?

Speaker 3: 8:26

You blessed the music. I don't think I would have had the strength. I would have gone right there and there out of my curiosity, probably out of my horniness as well, and my hormones. How do you wait? You said probably a year. That's some discipline over there. Then again, you have been on a journey, uh, of uh what's the word with my virginity. Yeah, no celibacy. You've been on a celibacy, yeah, so so you have that discipline. I don't know, man, I don't know if I have that discipline.

Speaker 1: 8:59

I'm sorry yes, and also I was still a virgin at the time. I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 24, so I was kind of used to like but weren't you playing with yourself? I had masturbated before. I definitely had with my hands. I used to think that an orgasm was when I just got wet. So when I would arouse myself and I would get wet, I was like I didn't.

Speaker 3: 9:28

If only it was that easy, a lot of people would be having all kinds of okay exactly, literally, yes, literally, nope.

Speaker 1: 9:39

I. I kept going one day and I was like, oh, but there's more that comes with this, no pun intended. And my mom, she told me she didn't just like give me the vibrator, right, she did, tell me. I I think this might have been after the fact, but it could have been before as well, like I said, you know blurred lines in my head, but she definitely said the reason why she gave it to me was because she wanted me to explore my pleasure and know what it felt like to bring myself to an orgasm. And little did you know I was already doing that. But to bring myself to orgasm and to just know what pleasure felt like without somebody else telling me what it should feel like so she wanted, she's like boys are allowed to explore themselves all the time it's clap, clap, clap.

Speaker 1: 10:19

But then when young women explore themselves, it's such shame. So she just wanted to remove that shame for me.

Speaker 3: 10:25

I love that for you because that that is very true. Like um, and that's why years ago, um, before I started talk, she would be uh, I wanted to start a sex podcast because I am very, very, very, very, very sexual. I talk about it, I do it. That's why I love my podcast people. That's one conference where I go and sometimes I feel like I'm in a sex con because there's so much sex conversations and podcasts and shit. It's ridiculous.

Speaker 3: 11:06

I wanted to start a sex podcast because I loved exploring it and then I would sit with my friends and the way they would talk about sex and they made it feel like either it was a chore or, as long as the man was pleased, they were okay, I'm like, bro, you need to enjoy it too. What do you mean? I'm like, bro, you need to enjoy it too. What do you mean? Then it came to clear that no wonder I was always excited about having sex or just being with somebody. We are enjoying those moments. And then my friends would be like, hey, this is what I want, because this is what I want, not sex, but I'm like, but that's what I want. Like, what do you mean? So I wanted to have.

Speaker 3: 11:44

But then again we were in Africa, we. It was shameful Like those were taboo conversations, but I grew up in an environment that you know it was. It wasn't a taboo. I'm grateful for my parents. So I I talked a lot about it and I wanted to start a podcast to tell people you, you are allowed to enjoy sex as a woman. You can exclaim it, you can tell your man what you want. You can try different things, like. I remember the first time I had a sex I I I did a sex tape. I literally wanted everybody to see it, but I didn't. But I didn't want to send it to people, so I did a a sex like a watch party for my sex that's fucking amazing shit happens.

Speaker 3: 12:30

Look at, talk shit with me like fuck, yeah, well. Well, I initially did because and that was the first white guy I dated and everybody was looking at me like you're dating white guys, you know know, do they really do that? Are they really good? I'm like, do you think I'll be with somebody who's not satisfying me over there, like come on. So when I did the sex set, like I played it, but before even the shit, like as soon as it was over, people on their phone trying to do the booty call and everybody was doing it yeah, I was like, oh my god, I'm so proud of myself. Y'all got, yeah, but how many? Um, it was six girls and then, uh, two boys were. They were not in America so they were on on FaceTime with me but watching.

Speaker 1: 13:27

I love that so much. I feel like that's, that's like the ultimate story, like a watch party for this everybody should do that like because you can't.

Speaker 3: 13:36

You can't send it to people, people, might. You never know where you might find it? On this thing you're being blackmailed. So the only person who has that copy is him and me, and he's white and far off from me. So if he sends it to people, whatever, it's gonna take a long time to surface back to my people, like, yeah, that's, that's why I didn't even do a sex tape with a tanzanian guy or anything, because I was like no man, I don't trust y'all. You know too many people, we know. You know boys want to share. I'm like no. So for me it was like I, I was proud of myself, like I was literally looking at myself and and sometimes I even watch it and masturbate, like I still use the tape that's what I'm fucking talking about.

Speaker 1: 14:21

That's that what I want to have. I want to have a repertoire. I want to have tapes of myself that I can get off to. I love that for you.

Speaker 3: 14:30

I know I created another one. That one I haven't had the pleasure of hosting at Sexy because it's kind of new. It's like a year and a half old, it's new but it was caught on the perfect moment because I was literally shooting my shitter, I was quieting. Yes, I'm so glad you decided to record today, please.

Speaker 1: 15:03

If you have a live party for that one, you better invite me.

Speaker 3: 15:05

I got you girl, I got you girl, I got you girl. Let's get back to your story.

Speaker 1: 15:17

I got a vibranium when I was 16. I used that sucker afterwards, afterwards and then I couldn't stop using it when I started, and then well, that is real.

Speaker 3: 15:27

For the longest time I was scared of. I started with playing with toys way later in life because for the longest time I did not want to get addicted. Because I saw people getting and they're like fuck a dick, I'm good, I'm like, no, I want a dick, like I don't know, I don't want just a dick. So I stayed away from them for that long, like literally the first time I got a toy was when my friends three years ago when I went to Texas on my birthday and they were right across the street where the sex shop was and they bought me the, the small vibrator, the one, the like, the bullet, the bullet, yes, yeah, oh, my god, before this ends, I remind me to share a story about the bullet.

Speaker 3: 16:16

What happened to my bullet? But, um, so once they bought me that and I started using it, that's when I started openly exploring with toys, but more like I want to use them with a partner as well, not just by myself, but but it took me a while because of that. Oh, you're gonna get addicted to it and no one dig what so was. Were you really addicted to yours?

Speaker 1: 16:37

I was, because it was like a. It was like a pleasure that I had, like, yes, I had dibbled and dabbled with hand play, right, and so I had experienced that there's nothing that's ever gonna top my first orgasm that I had with my hands, but the first orgasm that I had with my toy. It's not even like you want to keep achieving that, but it's just like this shit made me feel good for a very long time. So then, yeah, I kept using it and then I went to buy my own, but I didn't know about like body safe, silicone and all this stuff. I got like a plastic toy from freaking Spencer's for like $20 all I could afford. Mind you, the Hitachi was like $80 to $100. I'm like, oh, my mom invested, but me I was like I'm getting a cheap one fast forward.

Speaker 1: 17:17

Um, I got into my first relationship. I had sex for the first time when I was 24 and then I felt like the way that you said that you know, you thought you're going to be addicted to the sex toys. I thought I was going to be addicted to the d because that's what everyone told me. Everybody literally said you're going to be addicted to having sex. That wasn't my experience, so I decided to go on tiktok, started talking about first time I had sex, things that I wish I knew, things that I wish that I didn't really consider that other people had told me. And then that video went viral. I got like 3 million views on it.

Speaker 3: 17:49

People started asking me so many questions and that was the real beginning of the end so when you decided to make that video, when you worried about the you know the trolls and because for some reason, when a woman talks about sex, instantly we are labeled as whores or something just by talking about it. But men can talk about it. Men can actually fuck whores. Men can do whatever and they want. Like you know, it's a pretty. So when you have a concern about that or how did you? If you were how did you get through that concern and be like fuck it man. It is what it is well, two things.

Speaker 1: 18:35

That's a great question. One is I'm an animal activist, so I'm very used to dealing with trolls. I've been dealing with them for a very, very long time, so I wasn't worried about people trolling people for whatever reason. I like to make my life be a little bit complicated, so I like to pick really taboo topics to talk about, right like animal abuse and like sex, um, and these are things that we should talk about, right like animals should have rights, people should have sex if they want to, right, but I, um, or people, should experience pleasure. At least it's not even about sex. So, yeah, I just I guess I didn't really have the fear of what people were going to think and what people were going to say because I was already so vocal about so many other taboo things.

Speaker 1: 19:11

It's like what else can you come at me for? So, and I also knew that if people came at me, it was just because of internal struggles they were having within themselves and I can't do anything about that. But I can foster a safe space for those who are curious and those who do want to explore. Let their guard down. So yeah, I was like fuck the haters I.

Speaker 3: 19:28

I'm glad because I know a lot of people end up quitting doing talking about things they're passionate about because I don't know if they are not strong enough to deal with that shit, because to me, I always have this mindset you can do it. Whether you do it or not, people are always going to find something to talk about you, to discuss about you, to pinpoint about you, so might as well give them something to talk about that I actually fucking fuck with. If you're going to use your airtime, might as well use it for something that I want out there. Bring on the engagement, bring on the hate, like you know a lot of people, because it can also be challenging.

Speaker 3: 20:14

I get, sometimes it can get too much. Like I know me and you, we take social media breaks because sometimes it is too much. You know like, yeah, how do you handle when it is too much, especially, first of all, before we get to that, have you ever, now that you're out there and talking about your, your sexual pleasures and discussing all these things, right? Um, do you get hit on a lot on social media because of that?

Speaker 1: 20:43

wow. So it's really interesting that you asked that. Right, and I really have to go back in my head because I actually feel like I was getting a lot more advances pushed on me when I was still having sex. Right, because I think that the energy that I was giving in some of my posts was like I want the dick, so I think that some people were feeling that. But then when I was celibate, there was still people in my inbox sending multiple DMs back to back to back.

Speaker 1: 21:13

Oh, this is what I would do to you, like unsolicited, really graphic stuff where it almost feels like a virtual assault, right. It's like like there was one guy who was literally rhyming and he was what did he say? He's like I'd like to raft on that. No, he's like I want you to raft on this shaft, or something like that. I was like is this dr sooth xxx? So yeah, I definitely still, whether I'm having sex, whether I'm celibate, I definitely have people in my inbox wanting to make advances and and even people where I'm like there was. There was somebody who I didn't even know that they liked, they liked women, to be completely honest with you, and then so I'm having a casual conversation with them and then they just start talking about sex with me but not like, oh, let me ask this.

Speaker 3: 21:54

That's full on hitting on me and I'm like this conversation was going to go, you know they probably listen to to your podcast and they've heard you say something like damn Becca goes down like that. I want a piece of that.

Speaker 1: 22:13

You know what else has been really creepy? If I was with a guy one time that had just followed me on TikTok. We we had messed around like a year before and then I had just posted and I was like, yeah, I love when, like, I'm in bed and a guy is like, oh yeah, you like that, you like that or something like that, right, and then because that's not even what I really like, but like it was something in that realm, and then he, when I was with him that night, he did that and I was like he didn't have sense, we mutually masturbated and he was like, oh yeah, I checked your TikTok to see if you were still talking about me. You're a stalker.

Speaker 3: 22:54

I was going to ask the people you date why is it that you're going to share some of the experiences with them over there, or maybe use some of the stuff you've shared over there?

Speaker 1: 23:08

Absolutely. I know that they're scared. I really think that plays a factor in why I haven't necessarily really been dating for the last two years. Granted, a lot of things have changed in my life and I've made the active decision not to like look for somebody. But I definitely know that people are scared to mess around with me. Or when we did mess around, they like were trying to prove something, like oh yeah, I'm going to be the one that makes her come, and it's like because they've listened to your podcast, so they've heard you complain about certain things.

Speaker 3: 23:38

Because I can't imagine imagine if I was like I came and we fucked and shit, and then in my head I'm thinking man together. And then next thing I listen to your episode and you're talking about some. So last week, right, and I didn't, yeah, and you're talking about some. So that's sweet, right, okay, and he tried his best, though, and you know, I give him that Because one thing I'm going to do is give a little credit.

Speaker 1: 24:18

I don't want to hurt feelings. Positive affirmations he did his best.

Speaker 3: 24:26

Three stars on trying. But imagine I'm there listening like dang it, and here I was, leaving that house feeling like I'm not boosting egos anymore, paula.

Speaker 1: 24:41

I refuse like the next time?

Speaker 3: 24:43

I wouldn't either, because the whole point of the, in my understanding, the whole point of the love attire experience is literally your experience and you are discussing it and you are, in case, somebody else who has been through that experience. You are sharing how to go about it next time or how to avoid so it. You, you have to share your experience in order to get to the point of how to to go about it.

Speaker 1: 25:10

So you know literally exactly, so we can all just experiment together.

Speaker 3: 25:16

Don't be judged, this is not a critique, it's just, you know, an observation of our sexual encounter, the person who's gonna date, she just has to have balls. Whether it's a woman, like they, just have to have balls and understand, it's no personal. But for me I feel like you know you're getting reviewed so you can do better and become better. Like all of us in our lives, we get reviewed, right we, either by ourselves or by people. We we have to grow. So how are you going to grow sexually if I'm not reviewing you Exactly?

Speaker 1: 25:48

And anything that I'm going to say on the podcast I'm going to say to your face. So I'm going to say it to you in the moment, cause I'm working on that too right. Like it's been two years since I've had sex, but I do have these like rules and things that I want to implement during my next sexual activity and that's going to be communicating in the moment. Like I loved this Next thing let's maybe try this. Did you like this? You know, like whatever.

Speaker 3: 26:08

So Are you also going to communicate? By the way, I'm going to On my next episode, I'm going to talk about this, or is that gonna be like a surprise element? You know?

Speaker 1: 26:22

because I feel like if I'm really feeling, you believe it or not I'm actually a sacred person, right. So like if I enjoy something, I actually don't want everybody to know I'm getting good dick, or good because you know, or good vulva, because then y'all don't want it.

Speaker 3: 26:37

So so when it's good you, you shut your mouth, just share, as I said, but we're okay. So if you ever made it to to, if there's an episode about something over there, about you, just know, baby, you were not that good, that's why you're on that exactly.

Speaker 1: 26:58

If mom's the word, then all is well. Now I have had situations where after the fact, after I stopped talking to the person, then I do share. Oh, this was the best, like my, my first lesbian experience was what, the best sexual experience I've ever had? Um, but I talked about it after the fact, I suppose, like if I was still having, was in her pool, like you know. So, um, why, why do you think like, uh, it was important for you to um to remove the shame and stigma surrounding pleasure.

Speaker 1: 27:36

I feel like it's important for me, because the opposite of pleasure to me is like displeasure right, like not feeling pleasure at all.

Speaker 1: 27:46

And pleasure can be things outside of sex and intimacy. Pleasure can be just you being intimate with yourself, outside of masturbation. You can paint and feel pleasure. You can listen to music. I feel so much pleasure when I listen to music, when I dance, and so the fact that it's such a taboo thing for somebody to feel good because of the organs that they have within them being stimulated and it's like, like you said, you know cis hetero men, oh, pleasure is fine for them. No, that's the goal. Like we see that in the media and all this stuff. But then anybody outside of cis hetero men, it's a problem. Gay men people demonize their sexual activities. Gay women unless you can fetishize it, then it's okay. Then if I can watch it and participate in it as a man, then it's okay.

Speaker 1: 28:29

So it just really felt like I was going against the patriarchy by fighting for pleasure and it's just a passion of mine. I feel like back in the day, people with vulvas used to have leeches. Like men would put leeches on the vulvas of people yes, in the 50s, mind you, not even literally just the 50s Because they didn't want women to feel pleasure and if they did, they would consider them to be hysterical, so they put them in psych wards and mental hospitals and then do the leech thing or you know just certain things. That pleasure is just so intimidating to man. I felt like it was something that's worth fighting for. So, yeah, and it causes such shame, and a lack of conversation can lead to so much trauma. Or if you experience trauma, you feel so much shame about the trauma because no one's talking about it. But then once we all start kind of talking about it, we're like wait, you had that experience too, and you had that experience too. You feel so much harmony.

Speaker 3: 29:26

So I'm just trying to bring the harmony back into the world with pleasure it's so true, so true, and it's amazing how many women out there feel they don't deserve to to experience. But when you were talking about, pleasure could be anything. Let me share this story. When I was at Port First, right, I was at the Owl booth and I was interviewing, right. So I was sitting there and I had this incredible man yo, this man's swag was full on. He was sitting in the middle and then the lady next to her, uh, she was a pleasure and touch something you know. So we were like oh, pleasure.

Speaker 3: 30:09

So everybody in their mind, pleasure. They immediately went to sexual pleasure. So, of course, you know you have talk shit with p over there and we go and talk some shit. So so we were talking, we were talking. The next thing everybody heard, literally everybody stopped because we were the last booth and we were recording live and people started jumping in. Did I hear pleasure? Did I hear sex? And then the girl goes and was like you know, pleasure doesn't have to be sexual. Just imagine a mango right, ripping off, like you just washed it, and the water is dripping and you're looking at it and somebody's putting it in her mouth. Everybody was like but that's sexual. You know what I mean Wash bones, wash bones. She was like, okay, maybe, maybe I choose the wrong, the wrong food, so let's try absolutely.

Speaker 3: 31:14

Next up is a banana and an eggplant but I don't know if eggplant works, because, oh yeah, you know what? Oh God, it's been a minute, so I might be calling some people for this live, okay.

Speaker 1: 31:38

That's what I'm saying. Call them up, pull up the roster. Okay, I can't talk. I have a whole box of sex toys in that, um, in that been waiting to be used, cause it's been a while.

Speaker 3: 31:53

So in your celibacy you're also not pleasuring yourself, or?

Speaker 1: 31:59

Um sex, no, just sex with other people. I'm definitely having sex with myself.

Speaker 3: 32:10

I would have been so impressive. I would have shipped you a man Like I would have told you to tell me the type of man or woman you want and I would have shipped them to you, because what's that?

Speaker 1: 32:21

No no In the definition of celibacy. I don't even know, I looked it up but I didn't retain it. But I know that my therapist told me that technically of celibacy I I don't even, I don't even, I didn't even I looked it up but I didn't retain it. But I know that my therapist told me that technically, celibacy is without sex, without pleasuring yourself as well. She also said you can make up your own rules.

Speaker 1: 32:38

So I took that part of what she said. I was like, okay, bet, yeah, we're gonna take this in on the bit.

Speaker 3: 32:42

So yeah, have you ever watched Girlfriends? Yes, I love Girlfriends. You remember when Lynn was dating that guy, the poet, who was celibate, and Lynn was the hoe of the group, right, she was always horny already and she would change. She was like baby Lynn. You know I can't Baby. So she would say she's like baby. I mean, you know I kind of baby. So what got you into the celibacy journey? What made you decide to take that moment to and what outcome are you hoping from this journey? Because I believe when people take this journey it's more personal. So unless you just woke up and said, fuck niggas, bitches, I'm down, I'm closing shop for a minute, no, yeah, I think that um the the defining point for me was obviously the celibacy started very unintentionally, so I wasn't like I'm gonna be celibate today, starting now.

Speaker 1: 33:45

Um, it was very unintentional. I had sex with someone and and in the in the time, I convinced myself that I wanted to have sex with this person. After the fact, right. But looking back on it and learning certain words like coercion and certain things like that, I learned that it definitely was not the most consensual experience. And then, right after that, literally a week after that, I had sex with someone who I wanted to have sex with for a really long time and that experience brought me so much pleasure. I felt cared about and all this stuff. But then I'm like damn girl, you're wilding like two in one week, like what's your pH about to be like? So I couldn't really find anybody after that that aligned with my beliefs about getting tested. And there was one guy. I was bold. I looked up to him in public we were at this event asking for his Instagram. We're chatting back and forth, blah, blah, blah, and he was taking forever to go get tested. Like I told him, this is my requirement. I had sex with those two people in January and then got tested in April after I had sex with a woman, and I was like all right, this is just a lot.

Speaker 1: 34:50

And then long story short. I think the universe just kind of pushed me into it. Finally, I think around the time that me and my dad started mending our relationship was when I decided like, oh, I think I'm going to commit to the celibacy, like life's been great. I did endure some more trauma that year, so I think that that also just had me reconfigure everything sexually in my life, like just trying to figure things out with that. But yeah, I think that me and my dad's relationship healing definitely was an imperative part of me. Not trying to fill holes internally like voids. Trying to fill voids, that sounds crazy, trying to fill voids, um. And instead I got to refocus that energy on myself with my celibacy so once I gave into the celibacy.

Speaker 1: 35:33

It was great time passed. I had so much fun. I started learning more about it, learning more about the benefits. I started being able to see myself more. I wasn't allowing men to distract me anymore. It was a lot.

Speaker 1: 35:42

So, yeah, now here I am, two years later, and my goal my goal is to be so assured within myself and within my sexuality and my sensuality, because I'm still finding it right. People think I'm so pleasure, pleasure, confident, and I am with myself, but with a partner. Even with myself, I still have room to grow, but with a partner there's still certain triggers and certain things for me. Like, motherfucker, if I tell you that this hurts and you don't stop, I'm going to stab you and like it won't be fatal. But I will have to just prove a point, like if I, you know little things like that, I feel like that's why I still need healing. I'm not going to stab somebody.

Speaker 1: 36:24

I feel like it's okay to start having sex again, but I really want each sexual experience. I have to be having sex again, but I really want each sexual experience. I have to be very intimate, very filled with love. I want to be cared about. It's been hard to find a sexual partner to care about me for a while. So yeah, the goal is to be so in tune with myself and with my body that I feel connected and have the trust in my discernment to be able to share that energy with somebody else or with other multiple people, who knows?

Speaker 3: 36:51

That's beautiful Cause and I love that you're. You're learning about yourself and what you want, because that's important, right? Especially, people forget the person you, you, you sleep with, you, you share the shit is shit. They're inside of you. So that's energy transfer. Right, sex is fun and shit, but that's energy transfer. So sometimes you're transferring fucked up energy into you exactly literally.

Speaker 1: 37:23

So yeah, definitely have to be very aware of the energy transfer definitely so I was gonna ask you something, oh my god.

Speaker 3: 37:29

So, yeah, definitely have to be very aware of the energy transfer, definitely, so I was going to ask you something. Oh my God, you're making me lose my. What's your favorite toy right now?

Speaker 1: 37:44

Oh, my favorite toy is very easy, it's called the nami by fern. I got it from this. Uh, it's a black owned sex toy shop called shops adore and it literally has a suction on the top and then vibration on the bottom. But it's like the shape of like an l, I guess, but like an l with hips did you?

Speaker 3: 38:05

did you have it with you? Uh, I don't know where you are, a few somewhere in january where you were in a hotel and you were doing, and was it one of the toys you had?

Speaker 1: 38:17

yes, it's the blue toy. When I was in las vegas, I was at the tech convention yep yeah yeah yeah, I saw it and I was like because I started imagining it.

Speaker 3: 38:27

So I was like because I started imagining it. So I was like, ok, because you know what, there's certain things I listen to you and then there's certain things I don't. Because when you started talking about no, not in a bad way, like no, when you started talking about I know because I am, so I am not trying this shit, I do not want you were like. There are ways where I was like I am listening to this shit. There's nothing you can tell me that will make me wanna go do no, no, no, I was like I love this girl and I want to support by into listening because she's about to change my mind on shit. Because, because you know, sometimes when you really certain people will talk in a way and you'll be like you know what, maybe she's on to something, maybe I should, so you talk that way where you get me excited to God. So I'm like, no, I ain't going to listen, because that back door is going to stay shut.

Speaker 1: 39:33

No, that was just for people who were curious about it and just for people who maybe just wanted to try anal, didn't know what to do, and I had teamed up with um, a toy company, as well, and they gave me, like this, with this new, like technology and I was like oh, wow, this could make it. This can have a little razzle dazzle, but I totally get it.

Speaker 3: 39:45

Everything's not for everybody I love, love how you have worked your podcast, that you actually team up with a lot of sex shops and support them. So that's impressive. Because is that like a sponsorship program or just an affiliate?

Speaker 1: 40:12

Some of them, like Shops Adore, that's an affiliate program so I'd be like, oh, use my code and then you get 15 off. So usually those you can tell if it has a code nine times out of ten. Um, that's the hard part, honestly, about being a black creator is that I have reached out to so many toy brands for paid promotions and and you know there are.

Speaker 1: 40:27

There are white influencers out there who can record one video and make $10,000 for that video. People were coming up to me like we'll give you $200 for five videos on TikTok, five videos on Instagram, five videos on YouTube.

Speaker 3: 40:41

Do you know how to text create a video Like Thank you, everything that goes to it. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1: 40:50

You have to edit it, shoot it, have the toy, learn about the toy, research the toy, use the toy, have your testimonial, find the sound, find the good light, all this stuff. I mean 9 times out of 10,. They won't even want to pay Black creators. They'll just want to give you toys or give you a gifted product and then that's it, like you don't even make commission off the sales. None of that. This is this, is it so? So, yeah, usually nine out of ten it's affiliate, um, or it's a product that is really loved, or it might be for a paid promotion, but not, I'll just say, not what other non people of color creators are making, if that makes sense.

Speaker 3: 41:27

Yeah, it's the reality of the world we live in, right?

Speaker 1: 41:32

Yeah, and I'm starting my own sex play company, and so I'm looking forward to being able to hire people of color and influencers and pay them their rates and you know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3: 41:40

At least pay a fair rate, I am here to be an ambassador, okay.

Speaker 1: 41:47

You already know you're on the top of my list, please.

Speaker 3: 41:56

I was an official official ambassador for Mopad, an official official photographer for Mopad, an official official ambassador for Everybody was like how many ambassadorships do you want? I'm like bring all of them, bring all of them, all of them, I want all of them. I really missed your podcast. We had too much fun. Michelle brought a sex toolbox. I'm about to be posting those. They tied me up, they gagged me up, they gagged me up. I ended up coming back home with a gag ball because they were like this is how we're going to shut Paula up. Finally, paula is not going to talk, so there are videos and pictures. They'll be posted sometime this week. So these are some of my toys. Oh, that's the rose. I love the rose. I love the rose.

Speaker 1: 42:50

I tried this one before with the tongue. Do you like it? Oh my God this Baby.

Speaker 3: 42:57

It be doing a damn thing. It be free. I just use this side. It just be going like this, and when you find the perfect spot for it, it will be like oh, my God oh, my god, I'm curious because I already know you and your mom are very cool and I love your mom.

Speaker 3: 43:35

Shout out to your mom and um, so I know she, she, she, she understands your podcast. I mean, she's been a guest on your podcast. What about your other family members, or your dad? How do they think about you? Because I know there's some episodes when I do, because my dad is such a a supporter, but like when I did that episode with accidental singers and I'm talking about masturbating to this episode and then like even this I wouldn't want my dad to watch because I don't know if I want him to know, like my sexual, so I tell him don't. But you, you have an entire podcast which is literally all about your sexual experience. So maybe they think about you putting your because you know black folks they'll be like why are you putting your business out in the street? Yup.

Speaker 1: 44:23

Literally, literally. It's so crazy. You say that because, believe it or not, I actually had my dad on my podcast two days ago. He came to Mexico and shot with me in my room and we literally recorded a three-hour episode. So of course I'm going to be splendid up, but we talked for three hours, paula, about father-daughter relationships, raising a daughter like advice he would give to other fathers, the ebbs and flows of our relationship, his relationship with my mom, um, his current marriage now. So many just beautiful, transparent conversations, um.

Speaker 1: 44:57

But he did say that at first he tried to listen to my first episode. He said he didn't make it. But like five minutes in it was like like I cannot do this. But he said now that he's been on the show and he just has to look at it from a different mindset, if that's okay. And like and fast forward, like if you don't want to hear about me sucking dick, fast forward to the part where I talk about sensei touch. You know what I'm saying. Like, I try to have an educational component in in every story, but I do remember, like he told me his like have aunts and uncles. Um. And then I have like play aunts, play uncles, but still aunts and uncles, and they would reach out to him like, did you hear Tia's last episode?

Speaker 3: 45:35

like you know, like they're shaming me, they're just you know because the aunts are like you know what your daughter out to did. You listen to her, but in a playful way, not in a like do you know what your daughter is doing on the streets?

Speaker 1: 45:52

Literally, exactly Not in a judgmental way at all. Literally a playful way they be tuning in. I had a? Um, my aunties come up to me all the time like, well, let me tell you about this sex story of mine and you tell me what you think. Literally, I'll be in a van with my aunts and they're spilling all the tea about sex. I'm like, okay, that's fine, I love it here. This is a safe space for us all. So I have to make sure that I don't like react in any kind of way that would make them think that I'm judging them or anything, because I'm literally not. Like it's nice to actually be included in adult conversations. So, yeah, they're very supportive.

Speaker 3: 46:31

And I love talking to all the like, different age of people and their sexual experience, and that's why I like portfels, because at portfels I would literally be in a group with 50 old men and women and then 30, 80, and we will literally be talking about sex and fucking and shit, like in a 10-way one, and I'm looking around and I'm like then he's 50, she's 80 like, but we are all and you hear different experiences, what they went through, and it's just, it's an eye opening to be like, oh damn, so that's what you guys were doing back in the day. Okay, what exactly is that? You know? Tell me about that. You know, yes, you get to discover people in a different light, because sometimes you think people are so like, oh, and then when they start talking about their sexual experience, you're like man, okay, you go go, okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 47:21

You sound like there'd be some undercover freaks too, or like my aunties that go to church too, like or like my aunties that go to church, I I, I hope your pastor is not tuning into your who are like, have been deep in church and they were having sex and they were like 13, 12, like it is no problem with that, but like the church girls were always the ones that I knew like I see your church girl and I and suddenly I had sex a little bit way, way, way out, and for the longest time I didn't take sex as serious.

Speaker 3: 48:06

I was just like I just want to do the thing. I think maybe that's how I ended up getting very good at it. Now I'm very particular with I'd rather be funny and not getting dick for two months, but not just getting dick just from anybody. I came to this phase and I'm glad because in my younger, in my teens, I did what I needed to do, like, yeah, I was on the streets and and I did it, and and now I'm in this place where, to me, if I'm not connected to you, like you can be hot as fuck and I can say, oh, my god, you're so hot, but if I'm not connecting to you, like I ain't gonna fuck you, like that's forgiven, like it's not happening.

Speaker 3: 48:51

So do you think that you're demisexual? I could be, I'm not sure, but there's no connection and I think, um, my, my, my last relationship. Like I haven't been in a, in a in a relationship since 2020. Like I have dated and I, I've had my, my, my, my play partner. Like you know nothing serious, we play, but I haven't been in a relationship since 2020 and that was such a like a summit kind of relationship which was so deep and once I like it took me like I've been in this roller coaster of journey of recovering from it, but I also knew like connection I had and the deep end of it. It made everything, even the sex, good, everything like it was. It also made the fights toxic, like right, yeah, because it's so. I knew that I wanted something deeper and something meaningful. If I'm sleeping with somebody, I love that.

Speaker 1: 49:56

I feel that so deeply too. I cannot get off without a connection. That's why I actually do a demisexual, because I didn't have a word for it and then my therapist had was like have you ever heard of demisexuality? And literally it's like sapiosexuality, but with a connection. As opposed to with sapiosexuals, you have to be connected mentally, and with demisexuals you have to be connected emotionally and in all aspects. Just there has to be a deep connection to be able to enjoy it. So I feel that oh yeah.

Speaker 3: 50:23

So, as we're coming to an end of this, how do you create a safe space for curious minds to be explored, and all that Because we always talk about we want a safe space, we have a safe space, so what's your way of creating that safe space?

Speaker 1: 50:47

for all these people like us to come in and share our sexual pleasures. I love it. I think that I know on my, on my poster for my podcast, I say like my, a safe space for like my safe space, and then our safe space or something like that. But I wanted to make sure it was a safe space for myself first, right, because TikTok and Instagram didn't necessarily feel like it was the safest space. I couldn't really curate what other people were going to comment and say. But then I think that for me after that, I wanted to make sure there was no judgment. And if there was judgment because I know that we're human to catch it right, because we've been so conditioned, so it's not even really our judgment, it's the stuff society has put in our head. So I wanted to make sure that I made it known that I'm I don't know it all right and I think if that helps also, people feel a bit more vulnerable because it's like oh okay, so she's keep on learning with you all, as I'm teaching you all exactly.

Speaker 1: 51:36

We're literally learning together. So, yeah, I think those are the two biggest components learning together, being transparent about that, the fact that I don't know it all being transparent as a whole, and being vulnerable with my shit. I talk about smelly vaginas. You know what I'm saying. I talk about literally everything under the sun that is like real taboo, allegedly. And then, um, yeah, just not no judgment, because because we're all learning like nobody was born knowing this. So I think that that's really how I call today and let's give love.

Speaker 1: 52:02

I just want to. Just give love, I want to let let you know.

Speaker 3: 52:06

You do. You do that. You do that Like. Even your videos are so bubbly, even if you're talking about something like you feel like very bubbly and welcoming, so I love that. But before I let you cut out your podcast and all that, let me share my bullet story real quick.

Speaker 3: 52:28

So one day, right, I woke up in the morning. I'm always very horny in the morning, so I was horny and I was about to get ready to go to work. At this time I was working in home goods retail store. So I took my bullet and I was like let me muster up real quick so that I can go shower and get ready. So how about?

Speaker 3: 52:46

The bullet went all the way inside my vagina, right, it went all the way in. So I'm texting my manager. I'm like yo, how the fuck do you take out a bullet out of your vagina, right? So she started laughing. She's like what the fuck you mean? I'm like I was trying to quickly masturbate before I come. I went in, but it feels so good because the vibration was still on and it was inside of me. I was like but it feels so good, so take your time researching while I kind of get off and she tried everything and we felt I was like, oh my god, I'm going to walk buzzing in there because that shit was still buzzing.

Speaker 3: 53:21

I was like, okay, let's go shower, maybe it will turn off and whatever happens. Then I go, as I'm going to shower, I pee and it slides out. I'm like all it took was me peeing and it went down the drain. I'm like I'm not picking that shit up Like we're done. We're done. So that's how my bullet died, dressed in peace. But it was such a good experience. I was like if I I ever buy a bullet, I'll be putting it inside there by myself, just like while that's in there vibrating. And you're kind of like. I went to work smiling and happy, like, yeah, before we go brag about your podcast, this is the time where you tell people about your podcast, about all the amazing things you do, what they should look forward to, what they need. They can connect with you. And one advice on those people who are able or willing or feeling shame or the stigma of pleasuring themselves how to get to pleasure themselves wholeheartedly.

Speaker 1: 54:32

Okay, all right, so I'll end with the advice. So my plugs are you can catch me on the Love A Tia Experience podcast on every single podcast streaming platform that there is. I also have a YouTube channel. On YouTube I'm iloveatia. On TikTok. I'm iloveatia. I also have a YouTube channel On YouTube. I'm ilovetia On TikTok. I'm ilovetia. I also have another TikTok for my podcast page with the Lovetia Experience podcast Instagram. I'm just lovetia. No, I just lovetia.

Speaker 1: 54:58

Check out my website, lovetiacom, where you can sign up for my blog. I have a free pleasure positive email blast that goes out once a month with pleasure tips. I have sex toy coupons and stuff like that. I have a sex toy company coming out very soon so you can follow me to stay up on that. Yes, I'm so excited. And check me out on Patreon. I have a virtual slumber party coming up. I'm so, so, so excited. And Patreon is where you can get all of my uncensored content, because I'm still being censored on all these social media sites. So if you want the real tea, my podcast and Patreon and my website are the places to go, and the piece of advice that I would give to somebody who is struggling or wants to begin practicing self-pleasure would be. Be patient with yourself. Do a lot of writing and write down what those thoughts are in your head. What's holding you back from being able to reach this peak? What shame. And write the shame out Like oh, I feel like my vulva's ugly. I feel like my vulva smells.

Speaker 1: 55:54

You know, write out the things that feel kind of weird to say, and once you get it out, you'll see that it feels kind of like oh, this isn't that bad, you know. And then just not just, but practice falling in love with yourself every day. It doesn't have to be masturbation that brings you pleasure. Find things that bring you pleasure and that might awaken something within you that then leads you to wanting to sexually gratify yourself with pants or with a dress.

Speaker 3: 56:20

Thank you very much. You forgot to mention one thing. You know you're a power woman and you're not mentioning your other products. You do have oil, right.

Speaker 1: 56:27

Oh my gosh. Yes, thank you so much. I am the owner of a vegan and cruelty-free hair and skincare company called ethereal by love it to you, and you can find that on my website as well. Thank you, paula. Yes, I make all natural, handmade hair and skincare products, so thank you my pleasure everybody.

Speaker 3: 56:43

Thank you so much for hanging out with shit happen. I hope you learned some shit or you found some secrets about me, because I really did share some shit in there. You know and and hopefully you got to some tips from um atia. Go check out our podcast for more of all those amazing experiences and all the shit, and I'm looking forward to hearing that the episode with her father because, just like you, I had my dad on my podcast. I had my mom, and there's a different feel when you have your parents and your podcast talking to them about raising you and all that life. So I'm looking forward to that, but everybody else. By the way, for those who don't know, I actually met Atiyah last year at and we just connected and she has been. When I was going through my fire, she literally hired a mom to help and be there and support and that stays with me forever. So this is the power of communities and connections you connect with people, it. It starts with podcasts and it becomes bigger than podcasts.

Speaker 1: 57:43

So, yes, can I say one quick thing yeah, I just wanted to give you your flowers. You are one of the most vibrant, amazing people and, even throughout all the childhood tribulations, you have literally remained true to yourself. You've been very transparent, very vulnerable, and you deserve all of the love and support the universe has to offer. So thank you for creating this safe space and allowing me to talk my shit with you, paula. So thank you you just. You literally adopted me at podcast and haven't let me go since, and I love every minute of it and I'm never letting you go.

Speaker 3: 58:12

And when the sex, when the sex toys are ready, a sex company is ready, you're always welcome back so we can talk about the sex toys over here. I love you and y'all. Good night. Thank you for tuning in, love you. Shit happens, shit, shit happens, shit, shit, shit, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens, shit happens.